Change, Guilt and Ambivalence

Even good change can be stressful.

Last year, I was 42. I quit my job, left Los Angeles, bought a house my husband had never seen in a tiny town where we did not know a soul. I escaped the rat race for the mouse race and downshifted…well, pretty much everything. I found a lot of answers.

Now at 43, I’m finding new questions. For example, these are from the excellent new book, The 4-Hour Workweek: Escape 9-5, Live Anywhere, and Join the New Rich:

Am I really doing this to be more free and have a better life, or am I just lazy?

Did I quit the rat race because it’s bad, or just because I couldn’t hack it? Did I just cop out?

Is this as good as it gets? Perhaps I was better off when I was following orders and ignorant of possibilities. It was easier at least.

Am I really successful or just kidding myself?

Have I lowered my standards to make myself a winner? Are my friends, who are now making twice as much as three years ago, really [the ones] on the right track?

Why am I not happy? I can do anything and I’m still not happy. Do I even deserve it?

What can I do with my time to enjoy life and feel good about myself?

Author Timothy Ferriss offers two tactics for overcoming this ambivalence, guilt and anxiety, and I think he is exactly right: Continual learning and service.

So my plan for this year is to focus on those two things. For service, I’ve found two nonprofit organizations in town and one state political organization where I can happily offer my time, experience, and elbow grease.

And for learning, I’ve taken several classes….but travel is what I’m yearning for, the learning that comes from seeing things in 3-D rather than in a book, and talking to folks, not just reading what they say. Reading about Evangeline and Dave Robicheaux is one thing, but walking the grounds of Shadows on the Teche or enjoying the meat and three with an icy Dr Pepper, at Victor’s Cafeteria - that’s my kind of learning.

So next month, after my 25 year high school reunion in Alaska (still troubled by the math on that one - I’m sure I only graduated about 10 years ago), I’m taking my camera and notebook on a road trip through the South, a part of the country that I have always adored…and secretly wanted to be from. I’m heading up through Shreveport for a visit to Bastrop, Louisiana - to check out what else that crazy Baron was up to - and on up to Nashville for a conference.

Then the real fun begins: heading home the long way. I’m taking the Natchez Trace from Nashville down through Mississippi - Tupelo, Vicksburg, Jackson, and as many civil war sites, Native American burial grounds, and historial markers as I can handle.

At Natchez, I’m taking a sharp turn south for an extended tour of Acadiana (Cajun country) and southern Louisiana, with a side trip to New Orleans, an amazing city I have not visited since my last pre-Katrina road trip there in 2003. I’ll swing through Lafayette and Lake Charles, and maybe even San Antonio on the way home, giving a shout-out to the Alamo.

Between the learning, service, travel and new adventures, I’m hopeful I’ll have plenty of new questions for my next birthday…and some newly acquired skills to help me navigate change more gracefully.

A version of this piece was cross-posted on The New Charm School.